I realize everyone grows up differently, and religion and spirituality may not even be factors in some people's lives. However, growing up in a very strong religious culture has left its mark on my mental health and on the mental health of many around me. Accordingly, I wanted to share a few thoughts on how spirituality can impact mental health for better or worse.
The degree to which a religion can influence us varies depending on the religion, the particular flock we may belong to when our initial views of the world are formed, and how we choose to engage with that religion throughout our adolescent and adult years. Some religions take a very hard line about certain issues such as drugs and sexuality. For someone who struggles in these areas, growing up in an unforgiving religion can result in a lot of buried shame.
At the same time, religion can serve as a strong support, especially when someone needs a sense of community and to feel there is a place to turn to when life is difficult. Belief in a loving God can help one endure great privations with forbearance. That said, beliefs tend to change as a person matures and no two people, even two people who profess to be part of the same religion, will have the same experience with that religion.
A particularly difficult scenario for some to face is when church is somehow integrated into their trauma, such as when someone is sexually abused by a clergy member or mistreated by someone in the congregation. My view on these matters is that each person must determine for themselves what role religion and spirituality will play in their lives. To the degree that religion supports positive mental health, it is doing its job well. However, it may be necessary to sort out some issues with perfection and shame associated with religion in order for religion to be an effective tool that leads to better healing and recovery.
One of the most difficult challenges some individuals can face in their lives is leaving their childhood religion. Some people can do this with very few consequences, while others may find themselves facing hurtful rejection from friends and family. Even those who begin to see their religion differently but remain a part of their original congregation can find that their new views don't sit well with other members and may have to keep quiet or experience various forms of persecution, some of them quite subtle.
Many religions are based on the idea that there is only one valid path to heaven. Upon leaving such a religion, a person may experience an internal sense of guilt and shame. Those whose early views are all deeply shaped by a religious culture and context may find themselves feeling lost and uncertain after making a significant change in their faith-based views. I was raised in such a Christian religion. I later transitioned to Buddhism and then accepted that I am "spiritual but not religious." Now my view is that there are many paths to heaven and none is invalid. I honor everyone's right to choose for themselves what religious beliefs to adhere to and how to engage with them.
I believe an overly rigid concept of right and wrong can be detrimental to mental health. Someone who grows up in a religion that heavily emphasizes the importance of marriage may choose to remain in an abusive marriage because of religious teachings. Although I am saddened when a good marriage ends, I rejoice when someone finds the courage to walk away from a hurtful spouse. "There is no recipe for living that suits all cases," Carl Jung said. I believe it's up to each person to discover an internal sense of morality for themselves. Views of morality can be informed by religious texts and the words of loving leaders, but I don't believe a single book or person speaks for everyone living. When someone makes a careful and calculated change to their idea of personal morality, it isn't always received well but I honor their right to do so as long as their choices to not hurt others.
It's important to recognize how religion and spirituality can hurt us and help us. It's important to examine our own views from time to time and adjust them as we gain additional life experience. If you are struggling in your religious worship, recognize that it is okay to examine other options, including a reframing of current beliefs while continuing to participate. Those who remain in a religion may feel threatened by someone who leaves the fold, but it doesn't need to be this way. If anything, those leaving require more love than those who remain.
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
What Is Mental Health?
Most people define mental health by its absence. We may know someone who has experienced a breakdown or who deals with depression, addiction, codependency, or is bipolar. When someone has or is heading towards a mental health crisis, it's often quite evident to those who interact with them regularly. However, when mental illness is in remission and being managed, it can be surprising to discover that a person who seems quite stable has been through so many difficulties.
Mental health is more than the absence of mental illness, however, just as physical health is more than the absence of disease. Those who struggle with mild mood disorders or have no diagnosed disorder at all still must work on their mental hygiene, taking care of their physical and emotional needs. Just as physical discomfort usually indicates a problem that needs to be addressed such as removing your finger from a hot stove or taking a break after being in the hot sun all day, emotional discomfort indicates a need for rest, self-care, emotional processing, honesty or making changes in a relationship, religion or career.
Those who are mentally ill do not have weaker characters than their mentally healthy counterparts. We don't usually blame individuals for getting cancer, the flu, or a cold. Yet somehow there is a social stigma associated with mental illness, as if those who experience it somehow brought it upon themselves. The development of a psychological diagnosis is usually due to a combination of biological and environmental factors, many of which were not chosen by an individual such as DNA or family, cultural and school environment. Others seem to be doing fine and then have a setback such as the death of a loved one, loss of a job or a crisis of some kind. Many lack the skills to overcome these challenges, and even those with good skills sometimes need knowledgeable people to walk with them through a difficult spot. This is where therapy and medication can be useful.
Mental health is becoming increasingly important in our society. Due to a variety of factors, many children and adults are struggling to cope with life. There is no shame in reaching out to a professional for assistance. Today's psychological practices are generally brief and effective. My personal definition of mental health is having the coping skills to deal with whatever you are facing. It's natural for a person's challenges to exceed their capabilities at times, but with effort it's possible to regain perspective, growing as an individual by addressing what needs to be addressed. Even if your external circumstances cannot be easily changed, you can develop the resources needed to exist in your newly changed world.
Most people are doing the best they can in their circumstances with the skills they've got. Criticism, ridicule and blame are never helpful, whether we are judging others or ourselves. Although we may want to hold ourselves to high standards, self-compassion is a requirement for good mental health. When we fall short, we need to acknowledge our own worth and examine the full context in which our "failure" occurred, using it as a learning opportunity rather than a weapon of self-condemnation.
It may be difficult to understand why some people struggle the way they do, especially when their behaviors can hurt us so deeply, such as when a loved one develops a chemical dependency. However, we can learn to see even those who hurt us with compassion and be part of the solution rather than adding to the problems they are trying to avoid. Mental health is both an individual and a community concern. How we treat someone who is mentally ill can be a key factor in that person's recovery. We can each to our part to create a positive social environment from someone who is suffering.
Wherever you might find yourself on the mental health spectrum, know that it is possible to strengthen your ability to overcome the many challenges life brings. Clinical treatment can address some of the more difficult problems, but it is not enough on its own. People need strong social support networks and good old fashioned loving in order to live full and healthy lives. There is no need to be afraid of someone else's emotional pain, and there is no need to be afraid of your own. Be willing to address issues as they arise rather than ignoring them. Be a friend to someone who is lonely or sad. Mental health is something that is within everyone's power to improve.
Mental health is more than the absence of mental illness, however, just as physical health is more than the absence of disease. Those who struggle with mild mood disorders or have no diagnosed disorder at all still must work on their mental hygiene, taking care of their physical and emotional needs. Just as physical discomfort usually indicates a problem that needs to be addressed such as removing your finger from a hot stove or taking a break after being in the hot sun all day, emotional discomfort indicates a need for rest, self-care, emotional processing, honesty or making changes in a relationship, religion or career.
Those who are mentally ill do not have weaker characters than their mentally healthy counterparts. We don't usually blame individuals for getting cancer, the flu, or a cold. Yet somehow there is a social stigma associated with mental illness, as if those who experience it somehow brought it upon themselves. The development of a psychological diagnosis is usually due to a combination of biological and environmental factors, many of which were not chosen by an individual such as DNA or family, cultural and school environment. Others seem to be doing fine and then have a setback such as the death of a loved one, loss of a job or a crisis of some kind. Many lack the skills to overcome these challenges, and even those with good skills sometimes need knowledgeable people to walk with them through a difficult spot. This is where therapy and medication can be useful.
Mental health is becoming increasingly important in our society. Due to a variety of factors, many children and adults are struggling to cope with life. There is no shame in reaching out to a professional for assistance. Today's psychological practices are generally brief and effective. My personal definition of mental health is having the coping skills to deal with whatever you are facing. It's natural for a person's challenges to exceed their capabilities at times, but with effort it's possible to regain perspective, growing as an individual by addressing what needs to be addressed. Even if your external circumstances cannot be easily changed, you can develop the resources needed to exist in your newly changed world.
Most people are doing the best they can in their circumstances with the skills they've got. Criticism, ridicule and blame are never helpful, whether we are judging others or ourselves. Although we may want to hold ourselves to high standards, self-compassion is a requirement for good mental health. When we fall short, we need to acknowledge our own worth and examine the full context in which our "failure" occurred, using it as a learning opportunity rather than a weapon of self-condemnation.
It may be difficult to understand why some people struggle the way they do, especially when their behaviors can hurt us so deeply, such as when a loved one develops a chemical dependency. However, we can learn to see even those who hurt us with compassion and be part of the solution rather than adding to the problems they are trying to avoid. Mental health is both an individual and a community concern. How we treat someone who is mentally ill can be a key factor in that person's recovery. We can each to our part to create a positive social environment from someone who is suffering.
Wherever you might find yourself on the mental health spectrum, know that it is possible to strengthen your ability to overcome the many challenges life brings. Clinical treatment can address some of the more difficult problems, but it is not enough on its own. People need strong social support networks and good old fashioned loving in order to live full and healthy lives. There is no need to be afraid of someone else's emotional pain, and there is no need to be afraid of your own. Be willing to address issues as they arise rather than ignoring them. Be a friend to someone who is lonely or sad. Mental health is something that is within everyone's power to improve.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
On Sexuality
Sexuality is a controversial topic that isn't handled very well by most. From Hollywood movies which display romanticized, unrealistic bodies and situations to pastors advocating hard-line morality in a world of instantly accessible and misleading pornography, it's hard to grow up with a positive sense of sexuality and self. This can deeply impact relationships and marriages as well as create shame about perfectly natural sexual desires. Hypersexuality and hyposexuality can both result in shattered relationships, psyches and families.
What is healthy sexuality? It depends who you ask. Psychologists, pastors, physicians, producers, pop stars, pornographers and politicians all give different answers. What is true depends on you. My definition of sexuality once matched the fundamentalist religion's in which I was raised. Now it's a little different. I see healthy sexuality as respectful, mutual, and best when it's in a monogamous, committed, long-term relationship, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate and identify with those who have different value systems.
Unfortunately, there are two streams of toxic sex culture contributing to our current societal dysfunctions. Both claim to represent truth, but they are both far from it. One stream is when sexuality isn't consensual ("rape culture" countered by the #metoo movement). Those who advocate for this are usually men who cite sexual freedom or freedom of expression when in reality they are trampling the rights and freedoms of others. The other toxic stream is when someone is forced to accept a specific definition of sexuality ("purity culture"). I don't believe anyone on this planet can speak for everyone else about a subject as personal as sexuality.
What is healthy sexuality? It depends who you ask. Psychologists, pastors, physicians, producers, pop stars, pornographers and politicians all give different answers. What is true depends on you. My definition of sexuality once matched the fundamentalist religion's in which I was raised. Now it's a little different. I see healthy sexuality as respectful, mutual, and best when it's in a monogamous, committed, long-term relationship, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate and identify with those who have different value systems.
Unfortunately, there are two streams of toxic sex culture contributing to our current societal dysfunctions. Both claim to represent truth, but they are both far from it. One stream is when sexuality isn't consensual ("rape culture" countered by the #metoo movement). Those who advocate for this are usually men who cite sexual freedom or freedom of expression when in reality they are trampling the rights and freedoms of others. The other toxic stream is when someone is forced to accept a specific definition of sexuality ("purity culture"). I don't believe anyone on this planet can speak for everyone else about a subject as personal as sexuality.
A person's worth is not defined by their sexual report card. Those who have been abused or molested often feel dirty, violated and useless due to no fault of their own, but they often feel as if they are to blame. Those with heightened sexual desire may have more difficulties than others following the cultural expectations for sexual acts, yet certain institutions expect all to conform to the same standard and castigate those who do not. Flipping a switch from no sex before marriage to healthy sex after marriage is not as easy as saying "I do." Sexual shame does not simply disappear because a perceived authority has bestowed its approval.
I want the world to be a safer place for women. Patriarchy is an old idea that doesn't fit modern paradigms. It's time for men to be gentlemen and for women to be leaders. Harassment, bullying, intimidation, homophobia and transphobia have no place in the society of the future. Traditional gender roles should be a choice, not a requirement. No one should be made to feel they don't belong.
My best advice to those who struggle with sexuality is simple: be yourself and let others be themselves. It's time to drop the judgments, including self-judgment, and it's time to create healthy sexual dialog and healthy examples of sexuality in our culture, society and individual lives. Let's stop condemning consensual sexual practices we don't understand. Let's replace condemnation with validation and allow sexual diversity to exist. No one deserves to be shamed and repressed.
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
Yes, You Matter
I've always been fascinated by people's stories. I love to hear about who they are, what they've been through, and how they found the strength to overcome their challenges. For many of us, our deepest challenges are ongoing and may remain a part of us throughout our lives. Financial, religious, relational, emotional and physical difficulties can rip apart the canvas of the life we thought we'd have and leave us holding the scraps from which we are supposed to construct some kind of meaning, purpose and value. The degree to which people possess the ability to bounce back from serious setbacks and manage their lives while carrying heavy burdens is known as resilience.
Some problems are temporary in nature and can be overcome. Other challenges such as death, divorce or disability leave us in a permanently changed state and we must fight to reconstruct our lives after these losses. Some have only known difficulty, having been born with defects or raised in deeply invalidating environments. I have yet to meet someone who had it all figured out. As far as I can tell, no one makes it through life unscathed. At some point, we will all face our demons.
Whatever your particular struggle might be, it's important to remember you are not defined by your weaknesses and inabilities. You are defined by your strengths and abilities. Focusing on what you lack will always bring pain. Instead, focus on what still remains. Those who have had their lives ripped apart by forces outside their control understand the effort required to rebuild from scratch and the reality of posttraumatic growth. This world is not for the faint of heart, and anyone who tells you that you don't have what it takes is lying. You matter, and you are everything you need to be.
I often hear heartbreaking stories of people who were bullied, marginalized, abused or neglected. There is a lot of injustice in this world and it doesn't have to be this way. We create our world with our thought, views and actions. We cannot choose our inheritance, the world we were born into, but we can take what we're given and make the most of it. Those who were treated terribly and are able to reach out through their pain to connect with another human soul are some of the most beautiful people in existence.
My mission, the contribution I want to make to this world, is to see and hear the ones who are too often ignored. Every voice counts. Every word should be heard. I can't fix all that is wrong but I can expand my heart to include everyone. I can fight my own battles so I can show up better and stronger for those who need me. I can acknowledge my own dysfunctions and be aware of how they limit me. I can work to heal what's broken in me and I can develop deep and abiding empathy.
There is a lot of stigma around mental health conditions and it needs to stop. No one is without value. All have worth and deserve to be acknowledged. It's time to put the brakes on our cold, calculating, egotism and economic grasping so we can address the real issues in society and in ourselves. It's time for a change in the status quo. It's time to look beyond ourselves and see everyone we've been avoiding. All we have to do is open our eyes and open our hearts.
Some problems are temporary in nature and can be overcome. Other challenges such as death, divorce or disability leave us in a permanently changed state and we must fight to reconstruct our lives after these losses. Some have only known difficulty, having been born with defects or raised in deeply invalidating environments. I have yet to meet someone who had it all figured out. As far as I can tell, no one makes it through life unscathed. At some point, we will all face our demons.
Whatever your particular struggle might be, it's important to remember you are not defined by your weaknesses and inabilities. You are defined by your strengths and abilities. Focusing on what you lack will always bring pain. Instead, focus on what still remains. Those who have had their lives ripped apart by forces outside their control understand the effort required to rebuild from scratch and the reality of posttraumatic growth. This world is not for the faint of heart, and anyone who tells you that you don't have what it takes is lying. You matter, and you are everything you need to be.
I often hear heartbreaking stories of people who were bullied, marginalized, abused or neglected. There is a lot of injustice in this world and it doesn't have to be this way. We create our world with our thought, views and actions. We cannot choose our inheritance, the world we were born into, but we can take what we're given and make the most of it. Those who were treated terribly and are able to reach out through their pain to connect with another human soul are some of the most beautiful people in existence.
My mission, the contribution I want to make to this world, is to see and hear the ones who are too often ignored. Every voice counts. Every word should be heard. I can't fix all that is wrong but I can expand my heart to include everyone. I can fight my own battles so I can show up better and stronger for those who need me. I can acknowledge my own dysfunctions and be aware of how they limit me. I can work to heal what's broken in me and I can develop deep and abiding empathy.
There is a lot of stigma around mental health conditions and it needs to stop. No one is without value. All have worth and deserve to be acknowledged. It's time to put the brakes on our cold, calculating, egotism and economic grasping so we can address the real issues in society and in ourselves. It's time for a change in the status quo. It's time to look beyond ourselves and see everyone we've been avoiding. All we have to do is open our eyes and open our hearts.
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