Goal Accomplishment in Situations of Uncertainty

The conventional goal setting advice most people are given during their high school and college years is relatively simply and highly effective. Step 1 is to determine the goal, using a process of reflection that may involve a pros and cons list. Step 2 is to make a plan for accomplishing the goal. For example, if you want to buy a car what steps will you take to save up the money and how will you afford insurance, gas and maintenance after the purchase? Step 3 is to execute the plan, making minor adjustments as needed without losing sight of the original goal. This is a solid method for getting an education, buying a home, getting a job or laying the groundwork for a traditional career. There may be setbacks along the way, and sometimes they may require adjusting the goal itself. But in most cases, persistence can help a person overcome the obstacles and reach their desired destination.

However, there are times when only a portion of achieving a particular goal is within a person's control. Someone looking for a partner, for example, can make themselves available on dating sites and still find themselves going home alone at the end of the day. That's because a relationship requires the efforts and interest of two individuals, not one. All the self-development in the world won't guarantee that someone will fall in love with you. Does this mean you shouldn't set a goal to find a partner? No, but it may require more flexibility in both methods and timing. While many single people would prefer to be in a relationship, some are unable to make a relationship work for a variety of reasons.

Some careers have very fixed and certain requirements. A person who wants to be a lawyer will need a law degree, just as an accountant will need a bachelor's degree in accounting. However, for someone wishing to become a singer, actor, animator or entrepreneur, the path to that career may not be perfectly clear. It is absolutely possible to achieve goals such as these, but they tend to require a bit more trust and less may be known up front. It may even require overcoming active resistance from loved ones who think a more practical path is better.

It's important to recognize that the power to create our own lives is something that exists within each of us. Although individual circumstances such as talents, weaknesses and support systems will vary, everyone has some freedom of choice. If nothing else, we each possess the ability to determine how we feel about our circumstances and how we react to them. There is a kind of goal setting that makes no sense to the mind or the pragmatic pessimist. When the heart has a dream that it refuses to relinquish, listen to those feelings. Even if you feel afraid or uncertain, taking steps toward that goal may help you feel more healthy and whole.

After spending two decades in the computer industry, I was ready for a change. Yet there appeared to be no clear path that did not require sacrifice and reduced pay. However, the idea to make a change would not go away, so after carefully considering my options I chose to enroll in a master's degree to become a mental health counselor. That was two years ago, and when I started down the path I had no idea how I would make it to the final goal. However, just having the faith to begin the journey has allowed me to see at each apparent dead end a way to keep going. I didn't think I'd have time to complete my internship, then my job situation changed and a new opportunity presented itself. I still don't know how everything will be impacted by the choice I am making, but I've made it this far and I will continue to trust that things will work out. There is a part of me that feels like I'm not adhering to the pragmatic goal-setting principles I was once taught, but life rarely goes according to plan. I just have to trust that the path I need to take will continue to be clear. My job now is to simply put one foot in front of the other and not lose faith in my ability to reach the end goal.

On Parenting a Teen (alternate title: The night I had an argument with myself)

Teens have a sometimes well-deserved reputation for being difficult. It seems the age of technology has only added to the complexities of parenting this particular age group. Teens are at an age where they do not yet have all of the mental facilities to successfully navigate the adult world, yet they have strong willpower and want to assert their own rights over their lives. Many parents find themselves feeling helpless or lost as they navigate this difficult territory.

A few nights ago, I had an interaction with my own teen that reminded me in a somewhat humorous way about how I sometimes contribute to my own parenting problems. My daughter asked me a question from the other room and I called back a response. I heard nothing from her, so I asked her a question. Silence again. Thinking she was unhappy with me and giving me the silent treatment, I got a bit frustrated and later told a friend that my daughter wasn't speaking to me. The next day the same thing happened. I paused the television and called out to her several times. I knew she was in the kitchen and I was calling quite loudly, but she said nothing. Frustrated, I got up and confronted her, only to discover she was wearing headphones and listening to music. I quickly did some mental math and realized she'd done the same thing the previous day. We talked and I discovered that everything was fine. There had been no silent treatment, and in her mind there hadn't even been an argument. I had made a series of wrong assumptions that resulted in me being angry with her, but she was just doing what most teens do.

I think as parents we may take a lot more credit for the good things our kids do than we might deserve. At the same time, we may blame ourselves a lot more than we should for the bad choices our children make. It isn't easy to grow up in the world of today. Our children have different opportunities and challenges than we did, and if you look at multiple examples it quickly becomes clear that the norms for young adults are quite different than they were thirty years ago. It's important to let our children be themselves and develop in their own direction. All we can do is provide structure, guidance, love and support. Beyond that, the choices they make are about them, not us. No parent is perfect, but perfection isn't needed. I think a kid with perfect parents would probably be more screwed up than an average kid! Serious abuse and neglect aside, most of us are just doing the best we can with a difficult job. Children don't come with instruction manuals.

For those raising teens with substance abuse problems, learning disabilities, mental health struggles or autism, please know you are not alone. There are resources to help you navigate these difficulties and to help your teen create the best possible life. For those whose teens are transgender, gay, or suicidal for any reason, please know you are enough and please talk with a mental health counselor to discuss your feelings of heartbreak, loss, failure or frustration. This isn't an easy task but you're right there on the front lines, doing the best you can. Teachers, tutors, mentors, friends, ministers and other professionals can help your child learn new skills and feel like he or she belongs. Parents can fill any or all of those roles as well, but the one thing parents can do best is offer love. This doesn't mean enabling bad behavior (in fact it means the opposite), but it does mean unconditionally accepting your teen, flaws and all, and facing the difficult task of growing up in the new millennium together.

Few things will challenge you more than parenting a teen, but please give yourself credit for the things you do well and forgive yourself for your shortcomings. Most teens get through their developmental years and become wonderful, contributing adults. Others follow a different path, which isn't a reason for self-blame. You deserve thanks just for being willing to try.

Why Worry?

Worrying is the great joy stealer for many, yet even when we can see that our fearful thoughts are hurting us, it can still be difficult to banish worry from our minds. The emotional logic of worry is quite compelling, after all. We might even see it as a positive activity, comparable to planning or preparing. It isn't, of course, but the line between healthy anticipation and unhealthy worrying isn't always entirely clear.

Spiritual teachers have been telling us for thousands of years to remain in the present. What exactly does that mean? I'll start by explaining what it doesn't mean. Being present doesn't mean that the future is ignored. It doesn't mean playing all summer instead of preparing for the winter by building shelter. It doesn't mean doing whatever we want today with no thought about the consequences. "Live each day as if it were your last" seems like great advice, but taken too far it entirely eliminates the value of long-term planning. It's possible tomorrow won't come for some, but for most it will and we need to live our lives accordingly.

Being present does mean paying attention to the moment. When you're spending time with someone, be with that person rather than lost in thought. When you aren't feeling good, emotionally or physically, don't escape or avoid your discomfort. Face it, address it, and feel it. Notice your surroundings, be grateful for the positive aspects of your existence even if they aren't your main focus, and accept whatever is happening to you.

As a chronic worrier, I found that I actually did best when things weren't going well in my life. Then I could rise about the negativity and rally my thoughts into a semblance of hope. When things were actually good in my life, though, I never fully appreciated them because mentally I was thinking about the time six or eight months in the future when they would surely become hard again.

There is no simple formula for letting go of worry, but there are a few important elements. One of these is trust in your current self, trust in your future self, trust that things will always workout somehow, and letting go of the need to fix the unchangeable past. When things go wrong in life, it can sometimes feel very personal, as if we are being punished for something we did wrong. I've found this is rarely if ever the case. Even when we make big mistakes that carry deeply negative consequences, this can ultimately be for our good as we learn in the best possible way what is and isn't okay.

If you see yourself as inherently unworthy, as many do, this too can undermine your trust even in the good things that happen to you. Surely they will just be taken away and your bliss is only temporary, the mind might reason. Constant worry keeps a person from feeling at peace even when all external conditions are peaceful. By the same token, those who have learned to access inner peace can feel content even in difficult circumstances.

Although it might seem like cliche advice, focusing on the breath and on your present surroundings can be extremely helpful. Worrying is a habit, and being present can create new connections in the mind that interrupt old unhealthy patterns. Are you someone who is always busy? If so, you may see it as a sign of hard work and good character. However, the ability to sit and do nothing can be restorative and healing, perhaps even allowing for increased productivity since the mind can be more peaceful and focused during times of productivity.

Taoists advocate the idea of going with the flow rather than fighting against it. As you navigate the currents of your life, you can learn to recognize when you are wasting energy on a lost cause versus allowing and accepting. As you willingly learn to embrace the chaotic uncertainty of life, you can calm your inner demons and end your self-inflicted mental torment. When worrisome thoughts enter, you can welcome them without becoming overly attached. "Thank you for expressing your concerns, brain. You are doing your job so very well, but I am not going to just believe everything I think. I'm going to acknowledge that possibilities for good exist in this and every other situation I face. You are no longer in charge of me."

While there are some things that very much require worrying, such as when you are lost in the woods or being pursued by someone or something that wants to hurt you, many of the things we worry about feel far more dangerous than they actually are. Bills that pile up, social embarrassment, job losses - all of these things can negatively impact our mental health, but many have gone through similar experiences and come out on the other side, stronger and more empathetic. You have more resilience than you realize, and when difficulties come into your life then you can learn to face them bravely. If you can take action, take action. If you can't, let it go. Rather than wasting your energy on worry, channel that energy into fully embracing your life and the present moment just as it is.

Is Mental Illness Becoming More and More Common?

It seems you can't turn on a television or radio or jump online these days without seeing and hearing reports about the challenges of mental illness. Whether it's the latest school shooting or a discussion about depression, mental illness is increasingly becoming part of our public discourse. Is this simply because we are diagnosing issues that were always there, or is it truly becoming more prevalent? Short answer, think it is some of both.

There was a time in world history when mental illness was essentially ignored. Those unable to conform with societal expectations were said to have a "nervous disorder" and often their actions were kept hidden due to a desire to avoid family embarrassment. Other times, they were institutionalized and the key was thrown away.

As psychology began to develop as a social science, many efforts were made to understand and explain abnormal behavior. While the approaches to healing have changed over the years, the advent of psychiatric drugs in the mid-twentieth century allowed many who would have previously been institutionalized to integrate with society. Today, anti-depressants are extremely common. In many areas, the once-stigmatized practice of therapy is seen as a healthy endeavor to ensure the highest possible mental health. However, in some areas and cultures there is still a lot of prejudice against those who seek professional assistance. As a society, we have a lot of work to do in this area.

I do believe that mental illness is on the rise and that it isn't just a factor of changing societal views. It's particularly noticeable among adolescents. Many factors may be to blame, from technology to education and parenting. As parents, the general trend is towards a more permissive approach whereas in the past parenting was quite authoritarian. Kids tend to do better with structure, but they also need nurturing. When we offer nurturing without structure, the uncertainty can create anxiety.

Technology is another important factor in modern mental health. Many children spend large amounts of time battling fictional characters or other players in multiplayer online games. In this virtual environment, they have complete control over the outcomes. In the real world, however, their options are limited by parents, teachers, laws and morals. Video games provide a safe, controlled environment whereas reality does not. Given the choice between the two, it isn't surprising that many children prefer to live in a virtual world.

Social media blends reality with technology in strange ways that can result in negative self-comparisons as we believe that a person's social media life accurately represents their real life. Online bullying is also an unfortunate issue that many children experience. In the old days, bullying tended to end when a child arrived home after a school day. Now it can continue unabated throughout the evening and weekend. It's also possible for a bully to reach a broader audience more efficiently than ever before. Even when a social media post is quickly removed, it's impossible to know how many individuals saw it before it was deleted.

Do video games have a place in our society? Does social media offer benefits for some? Certainly. However, it can become quite problematic when over-consumed, even impacting a child's neurological development. The job of parents is much harder than it once was as a result. It can also be harder to grow up in a world where societal expectations are higher but the education system isn't adapting quickly enough to address the emotional needs of many students. Some educators argue that it isn't the school's job to take on this task, but we no longer live in a world where parents are willing and able to teach all the skills necessary to survive childhood and adolescence. A world where teens can do calculus but struggle to socialize will not lead to a successful future society. We need to address emotional needs along with the intellectual. How to do this is a topic for another post.

The good news in all this is the increasing awareness, decreasing stigma and increasing research and resources surrounding mental health. Though far from perfect, there are some promising societal trends and the profession of mental health counseling continues to evolve. It isn't enough, however, for therapy to be the only safe and healing place. We have much work to do as a society to face the effects of our own poor choices and poor treatment of the vulnerable mentally ill individuals among us. We need more loving communities, classrooms and homes. How to this is also a topic for another post.

The Relationship between Religion and Mental Health

I realize everyone grows up differently, and religion and spirituality may not even be factors in some people's lives. However, growing up in a very strong religious culture has left its mark on my mental health and on the mental health of many around me. Accordingly, I wanted to share a few thoughts on how spirituality can impact mental health for better or worse.

The degree to which a religion can influence us varies depending on the religion, the particular flock we may belong to when our initial views of the world are formed, and how we choose to engage with that religion throughout our adolescent and adult years. Some religions take a very hard line about certain issues such as drugs and sexuality. For someone who struggles in these areas, growing up in an unforgiving religion can result in a lot of buried shame.

At the same time, religion can serve as a strong support, especially when someone needs a sense of community and to feel there is a place to turn to when life is difficult. Belief in a loving God can help one endure great privations with forbearance. That said, beliefs tend to change as a person matures and no two people, even two people who profess to be part of the same religion, will have the same experience with that religion.

A particularly difficult scenario for some to face is when church is somehow integrated into their trauma, such as when someone is sexually abused by a clergy member or mistreated by someone in the congregation. My view on these matters is that each person must determine for themselves what role religion and spirituality will play in their lives. To the degree that religion supports positive mental health, it is doing its job well. However, it may be necessary to sort out some issues with perfection and shame associated with religion in order for religion to be an effective tool that leads to better healing and recovery.

One of the most difficult challenges some individuals can face in their lives is leaving their childhood religion. Some people can do this with very few consequences, while others may find themselves facing hurtful rejection from friends and family. Even those who begin to see their religion differently but remain a part of their original congregation can find that their new views don't sit well with other members and may have to keep quiet or experience various forms of persecution, some of them quite subtle.

Many religions are based on the idea that there is only one valid path to heaven. Upon leaving such a religion, a person may experience an internal sense of guilt and shame. Those whose early views are all deeply shaped by a religious culture and context may find themselves feeling lost and uncertain after making a significant change in their faith-based views. I was raised in such a Christian religion. I later transitioned to Buddhism and then accepted that I am "spiritual but not religious." Now my view is that there are many paths to heaven and none is invalid. I honor everyone's right to choose for themselves what religious beliefs to adhere to and how to engage with them.

I believe an overly rigid concept of right and wrong can be detrimental to mental health. Someone who grows up in a religion that heavily emphasizes the importance of marriage may choose to remain in an abusive marriage because of religious teachings. Although I am saddened when a good marriage ends, I rejoice when someone finds the courage to walk away from a hurtful spouse. "There is no recipe for living that suits all cases," Carl Jung said. I believe it's up to each person to discover an internal sense of morality for themselves. Views of morality can be informed by religious texts and the words of loving leaders, but I don't believe a single book or person speaks for everyone living. When someone makes a careful and calculated change to their idea of personal morality, it isn't always received well but I honor their right to do so as long as their choices to not hurt others.

It's important to recognize how religion and spirituality can hurt us and help us. It's important to examine our own views from time to time and adjust them as we gain additional life experience. If you are struggling in your religious worship, recognize that it is okay to examine other options, including a reframing of current beliefs while continuing to participate. Those who remain in a religion may feel threatened by someone who leaves the fold, but it doesn't need to be this way. If anything, those leaving require more love than those who remain.

What Is Mental Health?

Most people define mental health by its absence. We may know someone who has experienced a breakdown or who deals with depression, addiction, codependency, or is bipolar. When someone has or is heading towards a mental health crisis, it's often quite evident to those who interact with them regularly. However, when mental illness is in remission and being managed, it can be surprising to discover that a person who seems quite stable has been through so many difficulties.

Mental health is more than the absence of mental illness, however, just as physical health is more than the absence of disease. Those who struggle with mild mood disorders or have no diagnosed disorder at all still must work on their mental hygiene, taking care of their physical and emotional needs. Just as physical discomfort usually indicates a problem that needs to be addressed such as removing your finger from a hot stove or taking a break after being in the hot sun all day, emotional discomfort indicates a need for rest, self-care, emotional processing, honesty or making changes in a relationship, religion or career.

Those who are mentally ill do not have weaker characters than their mentally healthy counterparts. We don't usually blame individuals for getting cancer, the flu, or a cold. Yet somehow there is a social stigma associated with mental illness, as if those who experience it somehow brought it upon themselves. The development of a psychological diagnosis is usually due to a combination of biological and environmental factors, many of which were not chosen by an individual such as DNA or family, cultural and school environment. Others seem to be doing fine and then have a setback such as the death of a loved one, loss of a job or a crisis of some kind. Many lack the skills to overcome these challenges, and even those with good skills sometimes need knowledgeable people to walk with them through a difficult spot. This is where therapy and medication can be useful.

Mental health is becoming increasingly important in our society. Due to a variety of factors, many children and adults are struggling to cope with life. There is no shame in reaching out to a professional for assistance. Today's psychological practices are generally brief and effective. My personal definition of mental health is having the coping skills to deal with whatever you are facing. It's natural for a person's challenges to exceed their capabilities at times, but with effort it's possible to regain perspective, growing as an individual by addressing what needs to be addressed. Even if your external circumstances cannot be easily changed, you can develop the resources needed to exist in your newly changed world.

Most people are doing the best they can in their circumstances with the skills they've got. Criticism, ridicule and blame are never helpful, whether we are judging others or ourselves. Although we may want to hold ourselves to high standards, self-compassion is a requirement for good mental health. When we fall short, we need to acknowledge our own worth and examine the full context in which our "failure" occurred, using it as a learning opportunity rather than a weapon of self-condemnation.

It may be difficult to understand why some people struggle the way they do, especially when their behaviors can hurt us so deeply, such as when a loved one develops a chemical dependency. However, we can learn to see even those who hurt us with compassion and be part of the solution rather than adding to the problems they are trying to avoid. Mental health is both an individual and a community concern. How we treat someone who is mentally ill can be a key factor in that person's recovery. We can each to our part to create a positive social environment from someone who is suffering.

Wherever you might find yourself on the mental health spectrum, know that it is possible to strengthen your ability to overcome the many challenges life brings. Clinical treatment can address some of the more difficult problems, but it is not enough on its own. People need strong social support networks and good old fashioned loving in order to live full and healthy lives. There is no need to be afraid of someone else's emotional pain, and there is no need to be afraid of your own. Be willing to address issues as they arise rather than ignoring them. Be a friend to someone who is lonely or sad. Mental health is something that is within everyone's power to improve.

On Sexuality

Sexuality is a controversial topic that isn't handled very well by most. From Hollywood movies which display romanticized, unrealistic bodies and situations to pastors advocating hard-line morality in a world of instantly accessible and misleading pornography, it's hard to grow up with a positive sense of sexuality and self. This can deeply impact relationships and marriages as well as create shame about perfectly natural sexual desires. Hypersexuality and hyposexuality can both result in shattered relationships, psyches and families.

What is healthy sexuality? It depends who you ask. Psychologists, pastors, physicians, producers, pop stars, pornographers and politicians all give different answers. What is true depends on you. My definition of sexuality once matched the fundamentalist religion's in which I was raised. Now it's a little different. I see healthy sexuality as respectful, mutual, and best when it's in a monogamous, committed, long-term relationship, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate and identify with those who have different value systems.

Unfortunately, there are two streams of toxic sex culture contributing to our current societal dysfunctions. Both claim to represent truth, but they are both far from it. One stream is when sexuality isn't consensual ("rape culture" countered by the #metoo movement). Those who advocate for this are usually men who cite sexual freedom or freedom of expression when in reality they are trampling the rights and freedoms of others. The other toxic stream is when someone is forced to accept a specific definition of sexuality ("purity culture"). I don't believe anyone on this planet can speak for everyone else about a subject as personal as sexuality.

A person's worth is not defined by their sexual report card. Those who have been abused or molested often feel dirty, violated and useless due to no fault of their own, but they often feel as if they are to blame. Those with heightened sexual desire may have more difficulties than others following the cultural expectations for sexual acts, yet certain institutions expect all to conform to the same standard and castigate those who do not. Flipping a switch from no sex before marriage to healthy sex after marriage is not as easy as saying "I do." Sexual shame does not simply disappear because a perceived authority has bestowed its approval.

I want the world to be a safer place for women. Patriarchy is an old idea that doesn't fit modern paradigms. It's time for men to be gentlemen and for women to be leaders. Harassment, bullying, intimidation, homophobia and transphobia have no place in the society of the future. Traditional gender roles should be a choice, not a requirement. No one should be made to feel they don't belong.

My best advice to those who struggle with sexuality is simple: be yourself and let others be themselves. It's time to drop the judgments, including self-judgment, and it's time to create healthy sexual dialog and healthy examples of sexuality in our culture, society and individual lives. Let's stop condemning consensual sexual practices we don't understand. Let's replace condemnation with validation and allow sexual diversity to exist. No one deserves to be shamed and repressed.