On Parenting a Teen (alternate title: The night I had an argument with myself)

Teens have a sometimes well-deserved reputation for being difficult. It seems the age of technology has only added to the complexities of parenting this particular age group. Teens are at an age where they do not yet have all of the mental facilities to successfully navigate the adult world, yet they have strong willpower and want to assert their own rights over their lives. Many parents find themselves feeling helpless or lost as they navigate this difficult territory.

A few nights ago, I had an interaction with my own teen that reminded me in a somewhat humorous way about how I sometimes contribute to my own parenting problems. My daughter asked me a question from the other room and I called back a response. I heard nothing from her, so I asked her a question. Silence again. Thinking she was unhappy with me and giving me the silent treatment, I got a bit frustrated and later told a friend that my daughter wasn't speaking to me. The next day the same thing happened. I paused the television and called out to her several times. I knew she was in the kitchen and I was calling quite loudly, but she said nothing. Frustrated, I got up and confronted her, only to discover she was wearing headphones and listening to music. I quickly did some mental math and realized she'd done the same thing the previous day. We talked and I discovered that everything was fine. There had been no silent treatment, and in her mind there hadn't even been an argument. I had made a series of wrong assumptions that resulted in me being angry with her, but she was just doing what most teens do.

I think as parents we may take a lot more credit for the good things our kids do than we might deserve. At the same time, we may blame ourselves a lot more than we should for the bad choices our children make. It isn't easy to grow up in the world of today. Our children have different opportunities and challenges than we did, and if you look at multiple examples it quickly becomes clear that the norms for young adults are quite different than they were thirty years ago. It's important to let our children be themselves and develop in their own direction. All we can do is provide structure, guidance, love and support. Beyond that, the choices they make are about them, not us. No parent is perfect, but perfection isn't needed. I think a kid with perfect parents would probably be more screwed up than an average kid! Serious abuse and neglect aside, most of us are just doing the best we can with a difficult job. Children don't come with instruction manuals.

For those raising teens with substance abuse problems, learning disabilities, mental health struggles or autism, please know you are not alone. There are resources to help you navigate these difficulties and to help your teen create the best possible life. For those whose teens are transgender, gay, or suicidal for any reason, please know you are enough and please talk with a mental health counselor to discuss your feelings of heartbreak, loss, failure or frustration. This isn't an easy task but you're right there on the front lines, doing the best you can. Teachers, tutors, mentors, friends, ministers and other professionals can help your child learn new skills and feel like he or she belongs. Parents can fill any or all of those roles as well, but the one thing parents can do best is offer love. This doesn't mean enabling bad behavior (in fact it means the opposite), but it does mean unconditionally accepting your teen, flaws and all, and facing the difficult task of growing up in the new millennium together.

Few things will challenge you more than parenting a teen, but please give yourself credit for the things you do well and forgive yourself for your shortcomings. Most teens get through their developmental years and become wonderful, contributing adults. Others follow a different path, which isn't a reason for self-blame. You deserve thanks just for being willing to try.