On Sexuality

Sexuality is a controversial topic that isn't handled very well by most. From Hollywood movies which display romanticized, unrealistic bodies and situations to pastors advocating hard-line morality in a world of instantly accessible and misleading pornography, it's hard to grow up with a positive sense of sexuality and self. This can deeply impact relationships and marriages as well as create shame about perfectly natural sexual desires. Hypersexuality and hyposexuality can both result in shattered relationships, psyches and families.

What is healthy sexuality? It depends who you ask. Psychologists, pastors, physicians, producers, pop stars, pornographers and politicians all give different answers. What is true depends on you. My definition of sexuality once matched the fundamentalist religion's in which I was raised. Now it's a little different. I see healthy sexuality as respectful, mutual, and best when it's in a monogamous, committed, long-term relationship, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate and identify with those who have different value systems.

Unfortunately, there are two streams of toxic sex culture contributing to our current societal dysfunctions. Both claim to represent truth, but they are both far from it. One stream is when sexuality isn't consensual ("rape culture" countered by the #metoo movement). Those who advocate for this are usually men who cite sexual freedom or freedom of expression when in reality they are trampling the rights and freedoms of others. The other toxic stream is when someone is forced to accept a specific definition of sexuality ("purity culture"). I don't believe anyone on this planet can speak for everyone else about a subject as personal as sexuality.

A person's worth is not defined by their sexual report card. Those who have been abused or molested often feel dirty, violated and useless due to no fault of their own, but they often feel as if they are to blame. Those with heightened sexual desire may have more difficulties than others following the cultural expectations for sexual acts, yet certain institutions expect all to conform to the same standard and castigate those who do not. Flipping a switch from no sex before marriage to healthy sex after marriage is not as easy as saying "I do." Sexual shame does not simply disappear because a perceived authority has bestowed its approval.

I want the world to be a safer place for women. Patriarchy is an old idea that doesn't fit modern paradigms. It's time for men to be gentlemen and for women to be leaders. Harassment, bullying, intimidation, homophobia and transphobia have no place in the society of the future. Traditional gender roles should be a choice, not a requirement. No one should be made to feel they don't belong.

My best advice to those who struggle with sexuality is simple: be yourself and let others be themselves. It's time to drop the judgments, including self-judgment, and it's time to create healthy sexual dialog and healthy examples of sexuality in our culture, society and individual lives. Let's stop condemning consensual sexual practices we don't understand. Let's replace condemnation with validation and allow sexual diversity to exist. No one deserves to be shamed and repressed.